Employment Opportunity! Join The Campus Essential Oils™ Family And Abandon All Else!

Hey you! Are you stressed? Are you anxious? Are you sicker than a mud-eatin’ dog? Are you [insert affliction here]?

Then you should try Campus Essential Oils™! That’s right! I said Campus Essential Oils™!

What are Campus Essential Oils™, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you.

Campus Essential Oils™ are only the finest of oils extracted from only the finest of substances. We extract oils from just about everything! From peppermint to zilm'kach to moon sugar to grapefruit, we extract oils from it! The oils all come from only the most random prestigious of regions! For example, our rhubarb leaf Campus Essential Oils™ essential oil is extracted from the finest rhubarb leaves harvested in a tiny, family-owned farm in a small Bavarian village, so you know it’s of the highest quality. These things are called “essential oils” and not “unnecessary oils” for a reason. It’s because they’re so good that you need them in your life!

Campus Essential Oils™ have tons of placebo effects health benefits! For example, every drop of rhubarb leaf Campus Essential Oils™ essential oil is equal to 28 cups of tea! How are those comparable, you ask? Don’t ask questions. You can put the oil in a diffuser to make your room smell fresh and relieve stress! You can mix a drop or five in your tea, your coffee, or any drink for a delicious and healthy alternative to sugary cancer beverages! You can prevent autism and replace your child’s vaccine with it! You can put in your grandma’s IV drip and watch her last minutes turn radical! You can snort it directly for a burst of energy and increased gains! The possibilities are endless! Let us know how you use Campus Essential Oils™ so we don’t run out of marketing ideas!

So where can I get my hands on every Campus Essential Oils™ essential oils, you ask? Get them from your local Campus Essential Oils™ chump representative! Campus Essential Oils™ range in price from “upper-middle class” to “I tripped on a sleeping homeless man and demanded he apologize for scuffing my shoes.” So contact your Campus Essential Oils™ sucker representative to buy yours today!

OR

You can join our exclusive club and become a licensed Campus Essential Oils™ sheep representative! With the club membership comes a special low price on essential oils and a loss of Facebook friends! Just ask your local Campus Essential Oils™ to join the Campus Essential Oils™ Members Club™ today! Any oils that you sell will make you a tiny profit, and then you can buy even more oils to replace those you sold! That's right! You stay a customer! And did we mention that when you become a representative, you gain the ability to recruit more steps in the pyramid members of the family?! You’ll get a cut of their membership fee, and exclusive rewards. The best way to do this is through forced social media interactions with people you haven’t spoken to since high school! Some people won’t buy it. That’s okay! Shun the nonbelievers! Give your life to us. We are all you need. We are all you are.

Campus Essential Oils™. It’s a terrible wonderful opportunity. Join us.