Review #5 - Chappie - or - Die Antwoord: THE MOVIE

For those who are fortunate enough to have not heard of the group Die Antwoord, they are a South African music group thingy who make rap-rave type music. In my opinion, it sounds like a talented DJ adding a backing music track to a domestic violence incident in a trailer park. Regardless of their sound, there are two members: Ninja, an orcish male who uses Stevie Wonder for a barber; and Yolandi Visser, a Gorgon who rivals Ninja for worst haircut in the universe and uses Guillermo del Toro as her makeup artist. Apparently, their publicist was owed a huge favor by Neill Blomkamp, because this movie is not about a lovable sentient robot named Chappie, as I was led to believe. Rather, this movie was about Die Antwoord, and only Die Antwoord. It's just Die Antwoord. Die Antwoord and their adventures, Die Antwoord. Die Antwoord, forever and forever, a hundred years Die Antwoord, s... things. Me and Die Antwoord runnin' around and Die Antwoord time. Aaall day long forever. All, a hundred days Die Antwoord forever a hundred times. Over and over Die Antwoord adventures dot com W W W dot Die Antwoord dot com W W W Die Antwoord adventures all hundred years. Every minute Die Antwoord dot com W W W hundred times Die Antwoord dot com.

What's sin/cos again? Oh yeah, tangent. Anyway, the movie is about Die Antwoord. Ninja and Yolandi had the absolute stroke of publicity genius to play characters named Ninja and Yolandi. They're seriously playing themselves, but in gangster form. Ninja and Yolanda Yells A Lot are gangster criminals who are teamed up with a stereotypical Mexican man named Amerika (I'm not making this up). They steal this robot named Chappie, who the nerdy guy from Slumdog Millionaire created and made sentient through the magical powers of Red Bull and typing on a keyboard real fast. Die Antwoord and their inexplicable partner-in-crime teach Chappie how to be criminals, whilst Die Antwoord music blares in the background, just in case you forgot Die Antwoord had a small part in the production of this abomination of film. Some more stuff happens. Die Antwoord is mentioned a few more thousand times.

I don't feel like walking through every scene in the movie. Just know that some conflict happens. And Yolandi dies. Then the nerdy kid who created Chappie does too. But fear not! To end the movie, Neill Blomkaputt (who I bet drives a PT Cruiser) pulls out A GIANT DEUS EX MACHINA: Chappie is able to transfer the conciousness of both characters into robots! So everything is great, and they live on as robots! Isn't that great? I love happy endings. Haha they're so great. Everything is good. Hahahahaha. I just love the ending so much because it's happy and all loose ends are tied hahah .Ha. Hahahhdfasdfafjohafjohhjoghnfgjfn

Hugh Jackman and Sig Sauer Weaver are also in this film, with smaller roles than their Die Antwoord cast members. Huge Ackman plays a predictable and poorly written Australian antagonist who enjoys tucked-in shirts. To make sure you know he's evil, he carries a gun everywhere and has a mullet. Sign Language Boll Weevil plays the boss of the company for which the nerdy guy and Hue Jackhammer work. Her character is alright, albeit clearly written just to fill gaps in the story. I mean, if the only woman character besides Yolandi isn't going to chastise the two competing male characters, who will?

This movie was an abomination on the big screen. A disgrace to cinema. A humiliation of motion picture. The movie played out like an improvised story I made up while playing with action figures as a child. Except my imagination has better music and deeper character development. The plot is not cohesive in the least, and the cast are all two dimensional cardboard cutouts of cliche action movie characters. The most human of any character in this waste of celluloid is Chappie, who, might I remind you, is a robot.

Did I mention that "Die Antwoord" is mentioned everywhere inside the movie itself, from graffiti on the walls to Ninja's shirt at the end of the movie saying "Yolandi Visser - Die Antwoord"? The film never once attempts to explain any of the blatant marketing present throughout. Rather, it just prefers you don't think about it. Well, I don't follow rules. Commence thinking. So are Ninja and Yolandi of the movie universe the same as their real life counterparts? Did they somehow become poor South African gangsters despite a very successful musical career? Or are they a different Ninja and Yolandi? A Ninja and a Yolandi who are part of a different undefined group called Die Antwoord who listen to Die Antwoord music (which doesn't exist)? It makes no sense. Die Antwoord needs to either exist or not. Neill Blomkamp took Die Antwoord, molded it into the shape of a cat, and shoved it into a box with a vial of poison.

I loved District 9, another film of Neill Blomkamp's. It was a great science fiction film that was both great fun and shockingly gritty. It had a great and somewhat original plot that reached an exciting climax and ended on a good note. Chappie rode on the success of District 9 to build hype, only to disappoint worse than the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX. District 9 was like the Seahawks' previous win. Chappie's potential was like the 1 yard to the end zone. Neil Blomkamp was like Pete Carroll. Die Antwoord was like Malcolm Butler. The result in both situations was me leaving angrily and taking a long shower while listening to Dust In The Wind. 1/10.

TL;DR... Die Antwoord. 1/10