(The Real) Review #3 - Using Tinder

For those of you not up-to-date on the hip young culture of today's youth, Tinder is an app for intelligent mobile telephones that allows you to "connect" with people in your vicinity. This can mean something as simple as gaining a friend to talk to, or something as serious as accidentally creating a small human. The following introduction and review is from the perspective of a male user interested in female users. Mileage may vary depending on your gender and sexual orientation.

INTRODUCTION

I'll begin by walking you through the steps of Tinder, for those unfamiliar. To mingle with potential victims mates, you create a profile that consists of some pictures of yourself doing various yoga poses, going on hikes, and drinking with your besties at a frat party. You then write a short bio telling of your fondness for hiking and coffee. Be sure to include how you "aren't" looking for hookups*. If you're feeling really pretentious then you shouldn't even include a bio, but instead write: "if you want to get to know me, just ask". This is a challenge to the male, signalling that it will take work to reach the end-goal, whatever that may be. The male must perform a variety of tasks to impress the female, including being attractive and not being unattractive. If done properly, the female will assume lordosis and mating can begin.

*Hookups, for the elderly and rock-dwellers, are what used to be known as "one-night stands". The term has changed to reflect the fact that today's youths are so promiscuous that they are willing to engage in intercourse during daylight hours. 

I'm not sure if males perform the profile step in a different fashion to females, since I only see female's profiles. However, if my profile is any indication, writing about your ice cream cone-making skills and appreciation for the Oxford comma will filter through the basic white girls and leave only the finest specimens. I call this tactic "panning for gold", since you are sifting out those who are dumb as rocks, yet are likely to never find what you are looking for. A good picture is also needed. Take, for example, the picture of me taking a selfie with a packet of Top Ramen: it tells women that I'm mysterious, because taking a picture with a packet of Top Ramen is, in fact, impossible. Simultaneously, it alerts women to the fact that I have a face and two arms, a quality often sought after in the dating world.

An example of a perfect Tinder picture: subtle and unassuming, with an astringent mouth-feel.

Once the bio is finished, you move on to the next step in this generation's mating dance: matching. You are presented, one by one, with every Tinder user of your preferred gender (still gender binary only. Sorry, otherkin) within a set radius. You must decide, based on their bios and pictures, if they are worthy of your approval. If their appearance and description meet your unrealistically high standards, then you use your Dorito-stained fingers to "swipe right" on them (this is also known as "like"). If the other person finds you attractive for some reason, they reciprocate, and Tinder declares you "matched". You aren't told if a user likes you unless you have both liked each other. Being alerted to a match is Tinder's way of notifying you that you are NOT unattractive to every member of the opposite sex, just most. A match is a rarity, and you should proceed with more tact than President Clinton's speech writer.

The next step is easily the most frightening: the first message. As a man, I was tasked with sending the first message. This proved to be difficult and required a great amount of trial-and-error. The opening message is like walking across a tight rope: on one side, you have the chance of accidentally sounding like Jeffrey Dahmer; and on the other, you have accidentally sounding like Ben Stein. The balancing act is tedious and difficult, but not impossible. Throughout my weeks on Tinder, I've found one important piece of advice for aspiring womanizers: women are like angry sea lions, in that they don't appreciate sexual advances as a first introduction.


REVIEW

Despite my best efforts to lure in unsuspecting attract women, I received far fewer likes than I sent. This can mean one of two things: either everyone is too intimated by my good looks and witty charm to risk being rejected, or they refuse to swipe right because it would remove my face from their screen. Regardless, a few lucky women decided to take their chances and swipe right on me. What's that, audience? You say you're hungry to read about my Tinder experiences? Well sit down and open your mouths wide, because here comes the plane.

The first match I had on Tinder was with a chick named Michaela. She was a self-described Kurt Vonnegut enthusiast. I didn't know what that meant, but I did know that I am a woman enthusiast, which is close enough. After some quick Googling, I discovered that Kurt Vonnegut is not a German gastrointestinal issue, but rather, an author. He looked like a combination of Bob Ross and Einstein, with a bit of Kermit the Frog thrown in. How anybody could be enthusiastic about a man who looks like a plastic bag blowing across a parking lot is beyond me. My attempts to win her courtship were dashed by her sudden lack of correspondence.

A few weeks after downloading Tinder, I matched with a woman named Amber. She was kind of pretty, but more importantly, she was female. I spent a fair amount of time considering what to say in my opening message. Should I take the construction worker approach and cat call her? What about the average Joe approach and just say hi? Should I mention the fact that I can solve a Rubik's Cube? That really gets 'em going, right? Hours went by. I was sweating like a cold glass of water. My knees were ready to buckle, and my arms had a significant amount of weight. My sweater was covered in spaghetti. I weighed my options, and eventually chose the perfect opening message. "This is sure to work," I thought.

"Somebody call the Amberlance, because I just fell for you!" I hit enter, and waited. It was perfect. I felt like da Vinci after painting the Mona Lisa, before he realized he forgot the eyebrows. Minutes ticked by and the sweat poured down my face like an obese man without a scooter in Wal Mart. My heart was pounding more than an obese man taking the last scooter in a Wal Mart, knowing full well that the man behind him wanted it. More time passed, because that's what time does. Then, she finally replied: "Oh my gosh, you're adorable!" Somehow, my pun worked. However, my hours spent writing the perfect opening message were fruitless, as she already had a boyfriend. Don't ask me why she was on Tinder, because I cannot, for the life of me, understand. This was, inexplicably, a common thing on Tinder. This common occurrence lowered my opinion of the app greatly.

Overall, I'd say that Tinder is pretty bad if you're not using it to be promiscuous. I have since met a pretty cool girl because of Tinder (Sara, if you're reading this, thank a teacher). But other than that, my experiences with Tinder were pretty discouraging. I will say, however, that Tinder is a great source of entertainment. If you're in a big city, the assortment of individuals you find on there is astounding. I once saw the profile of a self-proclaimed "vegan dog-groomer and rapist-killer." She had a facial piercing that could only be described as "The Hitler", and her drawn-on eyebrows made her look like a flabbergasted Vulcan. This profile alone was enough to give Tinder a positive score. It's great if you want to be entertained, yet deplorable if you just want to hang out with people. I give my experiences with the app a 6.7/10.

TL;DR... Ehh 6.7/10