Maybe he'd respect an actual opinion. Maybe he'd appreciate a twitter follower acting as a member of his cabinet, giving him advice on how to run the country. Surely he doesn't have enough of those, right? I was the angel descending from on high that he'd been looking for - a smart person with good opinions and smart person traits and stuff. I called him out: regulations have done wonders for this country. I mean, isn't a government nothing but regulations? Regulations have kept children from getting their hands Anakin'd off by factory machinery, kept roads as a thing that even exist, and kept us from making extinct hundreds of species. Surely they can't be that bad in moderation, just like high fructose corn syrup and opposite-leaning news sources? But yet my target of obsession loomed just out of reach like the brake pedal for a midget in a run-away car.
If there's one thing Herr Trump loves, it's accusations. I thought I'd put on my best TMZ reporter impression and accuse him of something so sinister, so heinous, he'd have no option but to respond. I accused him, the leader of the free world, of strangling horses in his spare time. Not one to make such a pernicious statement without leaving an out, I offered him the option of agreeing that his hands are, in fact, too small to effectively strangle a horse. Surely a man needs large hands to strangle a beast with such a robust head mount. Wimpy dough kneaders aren't going to be enough: you need some serious man mittens to snuff the life out of Equidae. I added a request for a follow back, and a heart to show my willingness to hear out his side of the story, then sent my tweet. The Don Juan of Democracy didn't respond, or even follow me back. Cue sadness, despair, and Samuel Barber's Adagio For Strings, Op. 11.
Simple misunderstanding here. Google says cabinet also means a body of advisers to the president. What I'm confused about is there's several people next to my boy Donald, not just one. Shouldn't it be bodies, or do they all just sorta legion inside of one guy at every meeting? I don't get politics.
Trump didn't follow me last after the last tweet, so I doubled down on the horse strangling accusation. I explained away the way out I left him last time so that he can't just be like "nah bro my hands are actually too small you're totally right and handsome and girls should be all over you like couches on trashy lawns". The only way I see our commander in chief asphyxiating a horse is by hanging on its neck. If he doesn't deny it, then it's surely true, or else he'd deny it. That's the whole point of denial. To deny, he'd have to reply to me finally and maybe he'd be like "wow this guy's cool and girls should want to date him like an archaeologist with an artifact" and then he'd follow me.
(If anyone wants to illustrate Donald Trump hanging around a horse's neck like a koala I'd be so grateful and maybe even pay you a few tens of dollars.)
My next stroke of brilliance came at 11:19 PM, when I realized that Mike "Thinks 'Convertible' is a Synonym for 'Gay'" Pence is my next best shot at getting that coveted Twitter follow by the pres. A proxy is just what I needed. Maybe Donald finds me annoying, as hard as it is to believe, but if a man he respects as much as Mikey tells him to follow me then surely he'll do it. A friend once told me to ask out a girl I liked so I did and she rejected me and her friends all laughed at me and I cried in the bathroom and then slipped on a wet floor and hit my head but I did what my friend said so this is a comparable experience. Still, though, Trump, Donald J. didn't follow me. Kyle remained a sad excuse of a human being who is also sad emotionally.
To be continued....
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